


i feel alive (when i’m close to the madness)

by yegelsecaller



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Force Bond, Post-Canon, Post-TLJ, Reylo - Freeform, Smut, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:15:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21812788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yegelsecaller/pseuds/yegelsecaller
Summary: “Rey,” he groaned, his hands roving over her chest. “Cyar’ika.” Tears gathered in her eyes at the endearment, and she worked quickly to remove her own tunic. Holding her by the arms, Kylo pulled her back to him and slowly began to work her breast band free. She gasped as he ran a finger along her nipple and a rush of pleasure flooded the bond. “Kylo…Ben…I need you.”
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 90





	i feel alive (when i’m close to the madness)

**Author's Note:**

> 100% inspired by OneRepublic's "Wherever I Go." My angsty little heart needed an outlet, and this was it - enjoy!

_“I know I could lie, but I won’t lie to you._

_Wherever I go, you’re the ghost in the room._

_I don’t even try looking for something new._

_‘cause wherever I go, I’ll be looking for you.”_

Rey fled to her room, tears burning her cheeks as she smashed her fist on the data pad on the wall to shut the door behind her. It had been a week since she had slammed the bond shut as Kylo looked up at her from his knees, and at the time, she had thought she was doing the right thing. But as the days dragged on, Rey felt a tug in her chest that had nothing to do with her recent battle with the Praetorian guards. She could _feel_ him trying to contact her and though she continued to keep her guard up, her resolve wore thinner with each passing day.

It had been seeing Finn, Poe and Rose laughing together in the cafeteria that had finally caused her to crack. She had barely known these people a week, and despite their attempts to bring her into their fold, they didn’t _know_ her. Not really. Not the way _he_ did. No one had seen her soul as he had. She reached the centre of her small quarters and simply couldn’t find the will to continue to her sleeping pad. Instead, she curled in on herself on the floor, sobs tearing themselves from her throat.

She gulped air in as she fought to push the sobs down. This wasn’t her. She had been alone before. Kriff, she had spent her entire _life_ alone. Being alone was her specialty. Being good at it was what had allowed her to survive as long as she had. But in the few days that the bond had flared to life, she had begun to feel something different. She had started to feel what it was like to feel truly _seen_ by someone. And it wasn’t the Resistance that had seen her. They thought her a hero, but she had done things, _terrible things_ , to stay alive on Jakku. The only person who had seen that and accepted it was Kylo. And now he was gone, because despite the fact that he knew her as no one else did, they stood on opposite sides of a war that no one seemed to be able to win.

She felt her skin prickle as the bond coalesced, but she was too distraught to throw up her guard, and before she could do anything, Kylo appeared in front of her. She knew she looked like hell. She knelt in the middle of the room, heaving sobs wracking her body as she fought to wrest some semblance of control back to her emotions. She felt his fear before he spoke. “Rey,” he whispered urgently as he knelt beside her. “What’s wrong? Are you injured? What happened?”

She looked up at him, her face blotched red and tears still streaming down her face. She gulped another breath of air as she struggled to speak. “Y-you…m-made me choose. And now I’m…I’m alone a-again. No one…no one here knows me. They don’t…don’t understand w-what it’s like to be…to be like us.”

Kylo looked at her, grief flooding his expression with unspoken emotion. “But I do. Rey, I understand. Why couldn’t you have come with me?”

Rey scowled up at him, defiant despite the tears that would not stop flowing. “How could you make me choose? You _knew_ I couldn’t…couldn’t say yes. You say you know me? Then you know why I couldn’t come. My place…” she gulped. “My place is with the Resistance.”

His eyes softened as he continued to stare at her. Slowly, he raised a gloved hand and cupped her chin, wiping tears from her face as he did so. “Rey…when I asked you to rule with me, I didn’t mean we should rule like Snoke wanted to. I wanted us to make things _better._ Not just for us. But for everyone.”

Rey breathed heavily, struggling to get a hold on her emotions. What was happening? Slowly, she found herself moving closer to him, and before she could stop herself, she was curled in his lap, sobbing into his tunic. “I can’t do this anymore, Kylo. I need to know if I can trust you. If what I felt was real. If…” she paused, slowing her breathing so she could speak clearly. She looked up at him, “…if you feel it too. If I know you feel it too…I don’t know. I just need to know if I was right to shut you out. Or if any of it mattered to you.”

Kylo looked down at her, a look of incredulity spreading over his features. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, then her temple. “Rey, please do not ever doubt the depth of my feelings for you. Despite the sides that we stand on in this war, my feelings for you haven’t changed. I feel…more for you than I ever have for anyone. You may drive me insane with your stubbornness, but…Rey, do not ever doubt my feelings for you.”

Slowly, Rey moved so that she straddled his hips. Gently, she pushed him down to the floor and brushed his lips with her own, a whisper of a promise they had once spoken to one another over a forbidden fire.

“Rey,” Kylo murmured. “What are you doing?”

“Something I should have done when the bond first connected us.” Unsure, Rey looked down at him. Did he want this too?

Kylo surged up to meet her lips. “Rey, I want this just as much as you do.” Startled, Rey realized she must have sent her thoughts through the bond to him. Pushing him back to the floor, Rey kissed him slowly, deftly divesting him of his upper clothing without breaking free from the kiss.

“Rey,” he groaned, his hands roving over her chest. “Cyar’ika.” Tears gathered in her eyes at the endearment, and she worked quickly to remove her own tunic. Holding her by the arms, Kylo pulled her back to him and slowly began to work her breast band free. She gasped as he ran a finger along her nipple and a rush of pleasure flooded the bond. “Kylo…Ben…I need you.”

“I know, cyar’ika,” he murmured. “Need to feel you too. But I want to make sure you’re ready.”

Before she could say anything else, he took her nipple in his mouth and started to circle it with his tongue, the unfamiliar pleasure causing her to gasp as he pulled her closer to him. She could feel his length hardening beneath her hips, and she experimentally rocked her hips forward over him. He _moaned_ and broke away from lavishing her breasts to kiss her roughly on the mouth.

“You have no idea what you do to me, Rey.” Rey smiled as she looked down at him, sensing the pleasure she was giving him pulsing through the bond.

“I think I do.”

With that, Kylo took hold of her hips and rolled them until he towered over her, his body forming a sort of protection over hers. He kissed her neck, her breasts, her stomach, until finally he came to her leggings. She moaned and arched her hips as he drew closer to her center. “Please, Ben…” He gently removed her leggings, kissing his way down her legs as he did. Once they joined the pile of clothes on the floor, he returned to the top of her thighs, kissing until his nose nudged at her folds. “Already so wet for me,” he murmured, turning his attention to her centre. She gasped as he kissed her clit and lapped at her with his tongue. She would be lying if she said she had never thought of him doing this before, but the reality of the pleasure far outweighed anything she could have imagined. Kriff, she had even pleasured herself while thinking of him like this, but even that was _nothing_ compared to the reality of having his mouth between her legs. She panted as her continued to lavish her with his tongue and she felt herself _whine_ as he took her clit between his lips and sucked. She bucked her hips, and slowly, _too slowly,_ he moved a hand up her leg and gently nudged a finger inside her. She was wetter than she had ever been, and she moaned when she realized that one finger wasn’t nearly enough. She moved her hips into him greedily, mewling sounds wrenching themselves from her throat as she felt herself start to unravel around him. As he added a second finger and crooked it, she felt pleasure begin to mount in her belly. “More,” she gasped as he crooked his fingers again. “Need more.” She groaned as he moved his fingers faster, and as he lapped at her clit once more, she felt herself come undone under his tongue.

Shaking and gasping for air, she looked down at him. He looked _magnificent,_ his eyes blown wide at the feeling of her coming undone for him. “Ben,” she sighed. “Please…I need to feel all of you.” At her command, he divested himself of the rest of his clothes and lowered himself over her. Wanting to feel him come undone because of her, she wrapped her legs around his hips and rolled so that she was back on top. His eyes widened, and slowly she lowered herself onto him, feeling awe and pleasure pulse through the bond like tidal waves as she did. She felt a brief moment of pain as she sheathed him fully, but as she drew in a breath and clenched, the look on his face was enough to make the small moment of pain worth it. She leaned down and kissed his neck as she slowly started to rock, and she felt his throat tighten as she began to move faster. “Rey…” he struggled to get the words out as he looked up at her. “You…you’re everything.” She gripped his shoulders as she began to move faster, moving her kisses from his neck to his lips. He gripped her hips with a force that should have hurt but instead spurred her on. With each thrust of her hips, she drove him harder into the rough carpet, and it was _glorious._ She felt like a goddess, finally taking exactly what she had always wanted. As she moved above him, she once again felt pleasure begin to coil in her abdomen. She sent an image of him fingering her clit to bring her to her peak through the bond, and Kylo groaned as he received the image. He moved his right hand from her hip to her clit and roughly started circling it with his thumb. She gasped as her pleasure heightened, and as she felt him about to pull out of her to finish, she sent through an image of her receiving a birth control implant and pulled him closer. He bucked underneath her, and she felt her walls clench around him as she too reached the peak of her pleasure.

As they both came down from their high, Rey exhaled in contentment. She opened her eyes to gaze at him, but even as she did, the bond saw fit to separate them once more. She sighed, knowing that until the war was over, this was what she had signed up for by lying with him today. While she still didn’t know exactly where he stood in terms of the war raging around them, she at least knew where he stood with her. Slowly, she gathered her clothes and picked herself up from the floor, the tears streaming down her cheeks no longer tears of sadness, but of relief and joy. Despite the madness of it all, she felt alive, more alive than she ever had. And she knew that no easy love could ever make her feel the same as this tumultuous relationship did.


End file.
